Last week I saw D, a man who (as many others) “hasn’t done it before” and the only reason he got in touch was to try one particular thing that his wife didn’t want to do.
D is in his early 50s and his sex life so far has been “all missionary”. I looked at the bigger picture (from the point of view of a woman who’s been subjected to 30 odd years of “all missionary” sex) and asked how he knew she didn’t want that little thing he was after.
– Well, I went for it and she said no.
– Really? What exactly did you do? – I asked to see if maybe he did something wrong and hurt her unintentionally which would, of course, lead to NO! and a kick, so I was shocked to hear that D started kissing his way down and when he got as far as her belly button, she just pulled him back up and from there things took the usual route and everything was done in 5 minutes.
Sweet Jesus, you’ve been together for 30 years, this is more than I’ve been alive, don’t you two TALK? Anyone wants to know the secret of how to get your way with a woman? ASK HER! Off the top of my head, I can think of at least ten reasons why she didn’t want it exactly that time, and the second reason would be – she had no clue what he was trying to do. The other nine would be just as valid.
Gentlemen, if you want something new in your sex life, ask your lady nicely. By “nicely” I mean one of the following ways:
Persuasion: Sweetheart, here’s Spa/ M&S/ Waterstone’s/ Homebase for god’s sake vouchers for X hundred pounds. Go have a shower, I’m going down on you tonight.
Compromise: Honey, I’m willing to take the rubbish out and do all the washing up for the next two weeks, if you let me show you that my tongue’s not there for talking only. Do we have a deal?
Sincerity (done on your knees, with flowers): [name], will you ever forgive me for failing you as a husband? X years ago I promised to love and cherish you but instead I have bored you to tears with unsatisfying sex because I’m a coward and find it embarrassing to talk about things which are the essence of being together. Wil you do me a favour and let me love and pleasure you like I promised I would? You mean the world to me and I want to prove it.
And, of course, a man’s way – getting her drunk – works just as well.
If you can’t ask her nicely, then at least ask. Catching your wife unawares with a toy from Ann Summers is not always a good idea, unless getting beaten up with a dildo is the innovation you were looking for.
Asking her is there to get her permission, but it’s also a way to get her ready for the action – physically and mentally. I don’t think that after so many years of marriage your wife still has a shower every night in hope that something might happen. Also, not all people are spontaneous and your partner may need time to mentally adjust to the new way of having sex with you.
But then there is always the possibility that she really doesn’t want to do it, in which case, gentlemen, here are my contact details.