Tales of Stupidity: WOMEN

I’ve a collection of special stories – Tales of Stupidity. All the stuff that my civilian friends do under the impression that they improve or create a relationship. I’ve done some idiotic things too, but unfortunately not too many as my work soon provided me with enough experience to avoid silly mistakes. Some of these stories are sad, like a married woman getting pregnant after a one night stand with a sportsperson she had been a big fan of. He took off the condom without telling her. And some stories are silly. So I thought I’d share some of them just for the fun of it. I’ll also tell you about stupid things men do, but ladies first.

I have this friend (let’s call her Friend) who has recently started dating online. She’s a lovely woman in her late thirties, with a mature mind and a responsible attitude. She is happily divorced and works for a major bank (so no bimbo). She registered with a paid dating site: she reasoned that men who pay for membership will be serious in their intentions. So she came across a male member there (let’s call him X) whom she liked, and it appeared to be mutual. Besides, he worked in the bank across the road, so after a few e-mails and a couple of phone conversations they finally met for a dinner. This is what she tells me:

Friend: He picked me up after work and took me to a little restaurant nearby. We spent 3 hours there, just talking! Why do they say online dating doesn’t work? I had so much fun!

Jewel: (yawning) Aha.

Friend: He’s never been married, but he had 2 relationships, both lasted about 10 years; now that he’s 40, he’s ready to find someone to spend the rest of his life with. I told him I was planning to move outside London because it’s better for children to grow up and he thinks it’s a great idea! He even suggested XYZ area because he already has some family living there! [15 minute long monologue about all the ideas and values that X seems to share with her.]

Jewel nods (off) silently.

Friend: So we shared the dessert and he asked if we could go to mine! Can you imagine!

Jewel: (putting the book away) I know! The cheek!

Friend: But you know I couldn’t take him to mine (luckily for her, she really couldn’t that week) and we couldn’t go to his because I wasn’t really ready to meet his parents yet, besides it was too late in the day for it.

Jewel: He told you he lived with his parents???

Friend: Yes, and because there was nowhere to go, we had sex in his car.

Jewel silently picks up her mandible from her lap – the unlikely bodypart meeting facilitated by the word “car”.

Friend: And it’s been 2 days now and he still hasn’t called!

Jewel: Well, if I were him, I wouldn’t call you either.

Friend: Why do you say this? (pause) You think I acted like a prostitute?

Edinburgh escortsShe could have used so many other words. But she chose “prostitute”. And I haven’t met a single prostitute who’d have sex with a man in a car for a promise to bring up children together in XYZ area. So I reassured her that at this rate she will never come even close to a prostitute, and pointed out that a 40-year-old banker who still lives with his parents is either not worth meeting, or is lying to conceal a wife and kids in XYZ area.

For me the real issue here is neither the parents nor the lie. I’ve had sex with 50-year-olds who spend all their holidays at their parents’, and I’ve had (bags of) sex with married men. They showed more respect for me, a prostitute, than X ever had for Friend. None of them even dreamt of suggesting their car. If they couldn’t invite me to theirs, they either rented a hotel room, or paid me to do so. And it’s not even the car sex. I won’t be seen dead having sex in a car, but it doesn’t mean I judge others for doing it. I don’t care where you do it and with whom, as long as you enjoy it, use a condom and make sure your morning-after expectations match the occasion.

To be fair, he e-mailed her eventually to say “sorry, but I’m sure you noticed there was no spark”.

Frans van Rossum

clearly one for your anthology “Theme with Variations.” This is Intermezzo XIII in b flat minor. I Enjoyed it.


Jewel, would your opinion of (not) having sex in a vehicle change if it is a Rolls Royce? I am looking forward to the men’s stories!


Rolls Royce is still a car. As I said, I won’t be seen dead having sex in a car. If we talk vehicles, I would consider (but not necessarily agree to) sex on a yacht (those with cabins only) or a private jet. It’s not directly because these are more expensive. It’s because I’m comfort’s biggest fan. I won’t enjoy sex if there’s not enough space, not enough time, not enough privacy and not enough hot water to wash up before, during and after. The more expensive the vehicle, the more comfort it provides. And the more acceptable it becomes for me as a location.


Abused trust does not make a happy story. I have trouble calling it stupid, even if it probably is. I hope she copes, and he gets trapped in a lift with a sex-starved gorilla.

At least there was one banker momentarily limiting himself to ruining just one persons life instead of that of a whole crowd. That’s about the only positive spin I can see.

And I must be careful, of course, with the male stupidity post coming up. I’ve given enough ammunition over the years!


There was no abused trust there. He didn’t coerce her into it, she was happy to have sex with him, even in a car. My point was that expecting him to call afterwards was not a clever move. On the other hand, had he called her after all, is such a man worth getting into a long-term relationship with? This, to me, shows that Friend clearly didn’t give much thought to what sort of man she was looking for – another stupid thing to do.

As for male stupidity, same as female it’s based on assumption of, erm, something. You, however, usually assume the absence of it, so while it’s still stupid, it doesn’t make for an entertaining story.


I am relieved.
I think.

About abused trust: I’m not at all convinced there wasn’t any. How many mails did he spend building up a persona he thought she’d want? And then had sex with her under that load of pretense?

She was not happy to have sex with him. She was happy to have sex with the person she thought he was. That is exactly where the abuse took place. Her trust that he was what he claimed he was may have been naive, but that was trust, and it was abused.

I feel for her. I hope she finds that gorilla to send him.

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